Kryptonite Monkey (kmonkey) wrote,
Kryptonite Monkey
kmonkey

Ugh

I've had a rough couple of days. Evening before last, thankfully near the end of my shift at work, I suddenly and unexpectedly had to run to the bathroom with explosive diarrhea. Emphasis on explosive... First time I've had to use a public toilet (other than a urinal) in something like two decades, and it was a real shit-show. After I cleaned up ( the (entire) seat, floor, wall), I went back to work and finished my reports. I think it had been a wrap I had left out for too long. For the rest of the evening I was weak and shaky, but thankfully 'twas the last incident. Thank God it happened as it did. It was horrifying for me, but I was actually able to deal with it. I honestly don't know if I could have handled such a thing even a year ago. Now it will just be a funny story...eventually.

If that weren't bad enough, yesterday at work I had a job go sideways on me and got written up by my boss. Like, official, written, signed, going in my file write-up. My boss was pretty cool about it, thankfully, but I really don't handle getting in trouble well emotionally. There were a few times when I tried to explain, either to him, my coworker who I'd been teaching that day, or my mom, when my voice started to quaver and I had to really fight down the tears. I planned on coming home and having a good cry, but got home and watched entertaining things and kind of forgot to. I feel a little stopped-up emotionally, and hope I can return to it before I go to bed. I need to just get it out. Need me some catharsis and all that. I just wish I knew how much things going wrong were my fault, and how much would have gone wrong regardless. Not only that, but of the things that were my fault, I wonder how much was inattention, inexperience, and how much was due to being distracted by having to teach my coworker (she's kind of my half-boss too?) how to do my job.

On the plus side, my coworker being with me the entire time, she was able to somewhat mollify one of the other managers when they called all irate about me screwing up. I can't always explain my actions in precise detail after the fact, but I'm alright at explaining as I go, which is what I was doing throughout the day, so she was able to see that I wasn't slacking or not trying. I understand too that my boss was mostly just writing me up as a way to cover his own ass from his boss, as well as legally, and he told me so, but I still don't take criticism super well. I mean, I can mostly accept it, but it tears me up something fierce. And everything he told me is pretty much correct. I do have difficulty being proactive instead of simply reactive; I don't always pay as much attention as he thinks I should (though I think I do more than he realizes); and I can be a little spacey.

For all that I am very mathematically inclined and like a bit of structure, I also like to kind of go with the flow and let things happen organically. My Briggs-Meyers score for S/N is split right down the middle, even. It's good for being able to handle most situations, but I also don't fit super well anywhere. Jack of all trades, master of none, I've often thought; partly because I'm interested in learning about everything but can't keep my attention focused on anything for long enough to master it. The added bonus is I think my anti-anxiety/depression meds aren't working as well as they used to, and I am having a super-happy-fun-time. It's hard to put more energy and attention into doing one's job/life/whatever when you don't have any. Anxiety and depression are especially good at breaking the internal batteries so they just don't ever really recharge. Sigh.
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