Vivi, Pie

(No idea)

I had a pretty good Christmas break. I had about two weeks off of work, but had like 25 hours vacation time, so I still received a decent-sized check today. It was a fairly uneventful couple of weeks, which is not a bad thing. I played a lot of games, thank you Steam sale (I got a pretty decent bunch of games). Also been watching various shows. I'm currently playing Pacman 256, Black Ops 3, and watching the Mentalist. Been a while since I last watched it, and it is every bit as fun as I remember. Not much else to say at the moment.
Vivi, Pie

Ugh

I've had a rough couple of days. Evening before last, thankfully near the end of my shift at work, I suddenly and unexpectedly had to run to the bathroom with explosive diarrhea. Emphasis on explosive... First time I've had to use a public toilet (other than a urinal) in something like two decades, and it was a real shit-show. After I cleaned up ( the (entire) seat, floor, wall), I went back to work and finished my reports. I think it had been a wrap I had left out for too long. For the rest of the evening I was weak and shaky, but thankfully 'twas the last incident. Thank God it happened as it did. It was horrifying for me, but I was actually able to deal with it. I honestly don't know if I could have handled such a thing even a year ago. Now it will just be a funny story...eventually.

If that weren't bad enough, yesterday at work I had a job go sideways on me and got written up by my boss. Like, official, written, signed, going in my file write-up. My boss was pretty cool about it, thankfully, but I really don't handle getting in trouble well emotionally. There were a few times when I tried to explain, either to him, my coworker who I'd been teaching that day, or my mom, when my voice started to quaver and I had to really fight down the tears. I planned on coming home and having a good cry, but got home and watched entertaining things and kind of forgot to. I feel a little stopped-up emotionally, and hope I can return to it before I go to bed. I need to just get it out. Need me some catharsis and all that. I just wish I knew how much things going wrong were my fault, and how much would have gone wrong regardless. Not only that, but of the things that were my fault, I wonder how much was inattention, inexperience, and how much was due to being distracted by having to teach my coworker (she's kind of my half-boss too?) how to do my job.

On the plus side, my coworker being with me the entire time, she was able to somewhat mollify one of the other managers when they called all irate about me screwing up. I can't always explain my actions in precise detail after the fact, but I'm alright at explaining as I go, which is what I was doing throughout the day, so she was able to see that I wasn't slacking or not trying. I understand too that my boss was mostly just writing me up as a way to cover his own ass from his boss, as well as legally, and he told me so, but I still don't take criticism super well. I mean, I can mostly accept it, but it tears me up something fierce. And everything he told me is pretty much correct. I do have difficulty being proactive instead of simply reactive; I don't always pay as much attention as he thinks I should (though I think I do more than he realizes); and I can be a little spacey.

For all that I am very mathematically inclined and like a bit of structure, I also like to kind of go with the flow and let things happen organically. My Briggs-Meyers score for S/N is split right down the middle, even. It's good for being able to handle most situations, but I also don't fit super well anywhere. Jack of all trades, master of none, I've often thought; partly because I'm interested in learning about everything but can't keep my attention focused on anything for long enough to master it. The added bonus is I think my anti-anxiety/depression meds aren't working as well as they used to, and I am having a super-happy-fun-time. It's hard to put more energy and attention into doing one's job/life/whatever when you don't have any. Anxiety and depression are especially good at breaking the internal batteries so they just don't ever really recharge. Sigh.
Vivi, Pie

Experiment #357

Due to random happenstance, I ended up with a little bit of coke and a little bit of pepsi, so I mixed them. Sadly, it turns out that the two really are at odds, because when I mixed them they cancelled each other out. The concoction tasted of sugar water without even a generic cola taste. Bleck.
Vivi, Pie

I'm tired. I think I'll go home now.

Been a crazy couple of weeks for me. Mainly, my mom was able to come visit me last week for four or five days. It was great, and I haven't seen her in around two years now. I talk to her on the phone all the time, but it's not quite the same. Plus, mom hugs are the best.

I'm always so tired on Saturdays. I tend to work afternoons/evenings at my job, so I tend to stay up until 5am or so. Unfortunately, Saturday I have to be at work at 9am, and it's my longest day of the week, typically around 9-10 hours, so needless to say I'm quite tuckered out at present. A lot of times I'll come home and just sleep through most of Sunday. Right now I'm at the stage where I'm too tired to make the effort needed to go to bed. I guess I'll just have to play Bravely Second and watch Arrow until I catch my second wind and go to bed. :P
Vivi, Pie

(No idea)

I've been thinking about various things of late. Deep things. Which is cool, as I haven't done so in a while. On my drive home today I was thinking about the idea of the ends justifying the means and why, precisely, it is such a wrong idea. I realized that most of us either agree or disagree with it without thinking about it. A priori, I think the term is. I think that a lot of it comes down to how one views the world and one's moral beliefs. If all that matters is the end result, then it doesn't matter how you get there. Also, if there is no accountability then all that matters are the results. That's why in certain systems you end up with rampant cheating. When all that matters is how well you appear to be, then it doesn't matter what you do as long as you get the proper outcome.

I've both read and heard accounts of the school and business systems in China and how rampant cheating, corner cutting, and the like are. The communist revolution stripped away every form of moral/ethical teaching and the systems become one of only results matter. Hence why we had so many incidents of finding lead in almost everything they made for us, poisoned dog food, stuff like that. They make their money, they make their quotas, they cut corners and make optimal money, and thus that is all that matters.

But the more I mulled on it, the more I realized that it's not just morally wrong, but the idea itself faulty from a logical standpoint. Specifically, the idea that the ends justify the means becomes an increasingly bad one over the long haul. Doing whatever it takes to reach the desired results might work once, but it's building upon shaky ground. Not only can the means taint the results (think of how we treat athletes when we discover they've been doping), but it increases the odds of tainting future endeavors. I think of the rampant use of steroids in cycling and how more and more cyclists had to join in in order to continue competing. But increased use also increased the odds of getting caught. And when they get caught, it taints every win they've ever had, even ones that might have been genuine.

I think of it partly like a complex math problem. Getting the correct result through means of faulty reasoning is only good in an immediate sense, but detrimental in the long run, because using the same path in the future will only result in the wrong answer. That's not even assuming that we won't be judged on our calculations themselves (by the ultimate math teacher, at that). Taken another way, say a person cheated on a test in order to receive good grades. In an environment without morals, it would be justified as long as the person wasn't caught. In such a case, the results of good grades without lots of work or consequences would be all that mattered. But even if there were no moral consequences, of which there most definitely are, the results of such actions are not, in fact, so benign. Once a line has been crossed once, it becomes easier to continue to do so, also increasing the chance of being caught, of consequences. It's also detrimental of the sense that having cut that corner denied that person's ability to correctly get the right results later on. You cheat on one test instead of studying, and you'll have a lot more work ahead of you come finals, either because you have extra studying, or have to find a way to cheat again. It can cascade so easily.

I think too of the abuse of power. Often when people speak of the ends justifying the means, this is what they speak of. Doing things for the "greater good", even if they happen to bend/break the rules, or abuse power a bit, etc. How many villains and despots have we seen rise due to such thinking? How many heroes on tv or in the movies do we cheer on when they defy the stuffy rules and do what it takes to catch the bad guy? We nod in agreement when cops on tv pretend to hear something in order to break into that apartment that they know holds the key to taking down that killer, or when they illegally rough up someone to catch the bad guy, or when someone like Jack Bauer tortures a terrorist before their bomb goes off. But aren't those abuses of power the very thing we take issue with when it comes to dirty cops and places like Guantanamo Bay? We say it is despicable to waterboard potential terrorists, yet do not realize that we thought it okay for the hero to do. That is not only the possible potential of justifying the means, but a likelihood given time. The problem is that people are much more likely to take more and more questionable actions over time, not better ones.

Every single president of this country, going back decades at the very least, has successively taken more and more power for their office, and usually with a seemingly good reason to do so. Each side usually ignores, or even applauds, this when it has been in their favor, because the ends justify whatever it took to get there. But the rub is that once the cat is out of the bag, there's no putting it back in.

Maybe, aside from the moral issues, the problem is one of immediate results versus long-term results. I must ponder this some more.
Vivi, Pie

Forgetfulness

It's crazy how many times I have something important to write about, yet by the time I get here to write about it, it's completely forgotten. Just gone. It is the rare occurrence when I actually remember it. And yet, I remember just enough to know there's something I don't remember. Blarg!

Also, I caved and bought Pokémon Sun yesterday. I like it so far, but we'll see. Hopefully it will actually have an end game, so I'll be able to keep playing after I beat it. X/Y really didn't. It's interesting that this one doesn't have adjustable 3D. I was going to say actually there, but I say it entirely too much. Anyway, we'll see how it holds up. On an aside, I hope to one day have a version where eevee can evolve into every single element. How cool would a dragon, steel, or ghost eevee be?
Bring it, Supes, Superman

Ah Castle.

How I have missed watching Castle. I wish it were on Netflix, mostly because I refuse to pay for more than one service. I was with Hulu from the time it started, but it just kept getting worse and worse; more restrictive of what you could watch, more commercials, make you pay, then make you pay and watch commercials. Needless to say, I really don't feel like ever endorsing them with my money. So if it's not on Netflix, I either don't watch it or go to watch-series. The quality is not usually all that great, but I feel that's fair, as it should be since I'm not paying them.

Tis a pity that so many of the media companies are so greedy. They didn't mind when Netflix was bringing them viewers, but they kept demanding more and more for the same content, which is why we have less and less to watch. Also why Netflix has started pumping money into making their own shows and movies. Don't have to pull a popular show when you own it.

Anyway, it's nice to watch Castle from the start again. I stopped watching right after Beckett became a fed, and it's been a while, so time to watch from the beginning. So much fun watching the characters develop all over again. I rewatch so many shows from the beginning. Though honestly, I don't have the attention span anymore to watch beyond the first two or three seasons of most shows before I burn out and move on to something else.

Sometimes having immediate access to an entire show whenever we want can actually be a detriment. I think of how many shows I really got involved in, and part of the whole experience was the single episode a week. It gave time to really mull over the import of each episode, time to guess and second guess what would come next. I honestly wouldn't be surprised if the fanfic community relating to shows is actually smaller than it used to be, at least for those shows that can be binged on. I know the fun of fanfic, both to write and read, was all the freedom available as a show slowly unfolded. It's the open-endedness that sets the creative juices flowing. But when I binge a show, I just immediately move on to the next episode. The previous episodes fade away and don't have time to create suspense, to wonder what's next, of what could be.

I guess I'm saying that instant gratification isn't always what it's cracked up to be. Shocking, I know. I'm rambling now. Clearly time for me to go sleep. Ah, but it's good to actually take the time to write, even ramblings.
Vivi, Pie

A little more conversation, a little more action.

Can I get some meaningful conversation in my life? That would be great. I hadn't really noticed until my drive home tonight, when I was annoyed that none of my channels had any talking on them. It hit me: I am in desperate need of some honest to goodness conversation. I get to make little asides at work, perhaps even chatting for a minute or two, but other than that, I really never get to truly converse with anyone. I need me some.
Vivi, Pie

(No idea)

My first thought after waking up this evening, having no idea whatsoever what the voting results are thus far, was to exclaim to everyone out there, "Congratulations! Your scumbag beat the other scumbag!" Or perhaps, "The scumbag you dislike a little less beat the one you dislike a bit more."

I'll be honest, I do hope Trump wins. I don't actually think he's a scumbag. A narcissistic, shallow, egotistical jackass, sure, but nothing like Hillary. I think that he surrounds himself with people who are good at what they do. Hillary...wants to be obeyed. I've read a good number of the more weighty wikileaks emails, and even her own people don't like her or think much of her as person. I honestly don't think there was a good choice in this election, but who really does, yeah?

I do think, however, that regardless of who wins, the media sphere is going to be a shit-show for a bit. Either decrying the results and wailing that the end is nigh and that they're moving to Canada (you never hear anyone say they want to move to Mexico), or they're smugly patting themselves on the backs for defeating those fools. The problem is, this whole election was just proof that people are not happy with the system. This is a fairly close election thus far, and loudly decrying fully half of the country is stupid. Like, really stupid. I tend to disagree with the liberal types on some fairly major issues, but I don't think they're stupid or racist as a whole. Misguided some, and I disagree with their arguments, but I don't hate them or try to treat them as somehow sub-human. But I've got to say, I've not seen anything approaching civility from most folks on the left. When your response to half the country saying that they're angry with the current system to the point that they want Trump is to call them all racists and bigots, stupid and backwards, you're really not helping anything. I've not seen many of the talking heads out there going, "you know, I totally disagree with these folks, but I can understand where they're coming from."

Seeing as how much the left harps on inclusivity and how we all need to be less judgmental, you'd think they wouldn't knee-jerk call everyone they disagree with as monsters. I don't like when the right does it either, but I see it happen way more from the media towards the right than towards the left. I never heard Trump call all of Hillary's supporters names. He talks a lot of shit, but at least he seems to do so fairly evenly. I didn't vote for him, but I sure as hell didn't vote for her. I don't appreciate being called names just because I agree with some of his points.
Vivi, Pie

Ah dreams.

It's always so odd and interesting the way dreams can shift and completely change, yet somehow seem so normal and reasonable while in it. I had a dream that was basically about me getting to know a girl, her having to talk to me about me needing to walk away (because she was falling for me but it couldn't be, ouch), and then it somehow ended up being about aliens. Some of them looked human, but later on there was a whole slew of them that were made of like rock and such. They had stolen some babies needed for a ritual to go home somehow. There were some cool fight scenes near the end there, including some people on my side (I think I had become the camera at this point) with powers, one akin to an airbender, and another who was like the rock aliens. I just remember these huge disk blades being thrown about, basically like huge ninja stars.

Naturally, the part that most sticks with me is the emotional heartache of having my heart ripped out by this cute girl. There was no anger involved in it, just one big ouchy. In it, we had just kissed, I think? and I realized my breath was terrible so I got some mouthwash, and then I got the "we need to talk". I've never had it before, but you recognize it instantly, at least in the dream I did. Something about the tone of voice. It boiled down to, "I need you to stay away from me. I can feel myself so easily falling into this." She never said why it wasn't right, and I didn't ask, but I didn't need to; I just knew that whatever reason she had was valid and it needed to be this way. I'm kind of proud of my dream self that, I trusted both my intuition, and I trusted her. It was the right thing to do to not argue with her or try to convince her otherwise, as much as a small part of me wanted to. We always want to fight for something great.

How sad it is that I recognize this type of situation so readily. How many girls have I attempted to pursue, only to have God say not that one. After a certain point, somewhere around college he informed me of a specific one he had in mind for my future (I haven't met her yet, but he showed me what she looked like). Ever since, things have been both easier, and a lot harder. Do you know how much it aches to meet a girl that you really like and would love nothing more than to pursue, but know that it's not...optimal? For like a year, ever girl I even remotely liked he would ask me if I wanted that one instead; time and again I had to say no. Naturally I've slowly met more and more awesome girls who I like more and more, and each one I've had to say no to. The last one I really, reeeeeeally did not want to. It shook me deeply when I asked myself whether I would rather have what God wanted or what I wanted, and found that I didn't want God's choice. Somehow he and I worked it out, but that one hurt. As did her departure from my life. As did the departure of so many girls I've longed for. Saying no to a real person in favor of one you haven't actually met and who is currently not much more than an intangible, ephemeral picture is frustratingly difficult.

Needless to say, the dream has repeated on some pain in my heart. Not a bitter pain, thank God, but a sad, deep pain nonetheless. At least this wasn't one of his teaching dreams. The last one he gave me a few years back, that one was rough. Definitely stuck with me. How I wish that having someone, even if I don't who they are yet, was enough to make me not notice all the great girls out there that I could be pursuing. Water, water everywhere, but not a drop to drink...
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